Goodbye 32. Hello 33.

Today is my last day of being 32.

I just read an article stating that research shows that 33 is the happiest age EVAR.  I'm not so sure 33 can top 32.

32 gave me my Sara.  My happy, adorable, amazing baby.  32 gave me a healthy, cancer free brother.

32 gave me...me.

I really feel that 32 was a turning point for me.  I finally feel comfortable with myself and the role of mother.  I finally feel comfortable in this house.  I finally feel like I've accepted me for me and all that comes along with me.  I finally feel like Lisa for the first time in a long time.  

So, thank you 32.  You've rocked my world.  I will remember you always.

33, you have big shoes to fill.

Things I've Learned

-I've learned that the word "friend" has many different definitions.  I've also learned that, perhaps, I've used the word too freely over the years.  We grow and change, and friendships do the same...when they are true friendships.  So, to the couple of true friends that I have, thank you.  Thank you for always being there, and for putting up with my insanity.

-I've learned that some people may feel sorry for me.  I'm Lisa, "stuck at home" with the kids all day, while my husband works 3 jobs so we can afford life.  Please don't EVER feel sorry for me, for us.  We CHOSE  this life!  We chose for me to stay home with the kiddos.  We chose for me to be someone who gets to play with her kids all day, and not miss any important "firsts".  Our life, and the decisions that we've made work for us!  My life is exactly what I want it to be at this time.  Is being a SAHM always sunshine and butterflies?  Hell to the no.  But, being a SAHM has afforded me awesome memories of my kids growing and changing, memories that I will carry with me forever.  Why would someone feel sorry for that?  Do I see my husband as often as I'd like?  Nope.  Do the kids see him as often as I would like?  Nope to that, too.  But, at the end of the day, it's a sacrifice.  A sacrifice that he is willing to make FOR US.

-I've learned that my inner monologue while doing Zumba is pretty hilarious.  "If I do Zumba every day for a month, will I look like you, Gina the instructor?"  "Beto and Tanya have be 'doing it' behind the scenes, look at the way they look at each other during the "booty roll!!" "Damn it, Beto, you are not as hot as you think you are!"  I've also learned that Zumba, no matter how funny it may look, is a damn good workout.  And, by that I mean, I have fun while I'm looking like a fool.

-I've learned that my head and my heart don't ever see eye to eye. Things that seem so simple on paper aren't simple.  I've also learned that I stress over things, and overthink things way too much.

-I've learned that I'm at my happiest when I'm singing.  And cooking.  Being a caterer is something I've wanted for a long time, and I'm very pleased with my decision to get my certification .

-I've learned that I'm scared of a lot of things.  A lot.  Death, ghosts, the dark, people jumping out of no where in movies...that's the worst.  Moths are a huge fear.  Yes, moths.

-I've learned that I do not act my age.  Ever.  I think it's because no one ever believes that I'm my particular age.  Why act it if people think I'm younger?

-I've learned a lot from my children.  I've learned patience.  I've learned how to heal a 'boo-boo' with just a kiss.  I've learned different languages, like 'Jackanese' and 'Emmalaynian'.  I've learned that when my daughter tells me, "I don't likes you, Mommy", that she doesn't mean it and that I'll be getting a big hug in about 5 minutes.

-I've learned that after not liking kids for most of my life, that I actually really do like kids.  Something clicks when you give birth, something amazing.  That mothering instinct is no freaking joke.

-I've learned that I get bored very easily.  Kind of like I'm getting bored with this....

Life

I try not to let myself get too philosophical about things.  I try not to figure the meaning of life, or why things happen the way they do.  I've been thinking a lot, though, about how things truly happen for a reason, even if that reason isn't so clear at the time.

Do you do this?  Think about these types of things?  What conclusions have you come up with?

Wearing Blue

I'm wearing blue today for my brother, the colon cancer slayer.  It's National Dress In Blue day, and it's also colon cancer awareness month.  I cannot convey how important it is to get tested, especially if there is a family history.  Even if there isn't, it's not a bad idea to get checked, as, we all learned not too long ago that there doesn't need to be a family history for someone to develop this awful disease.

I hope you will join me in wearing blue.

Weight, weight, weight, what's going on here?

I'm fat.  No really, I am.  I've always been a bigger girl.  I remember being in 3rd grade, and a substitute teacher called me "chunky".  Thanks, dude.  I don't think I've ever been happy with the way I looked, and it hasn't changed as I've gotten older.

I've gained 80 pounds since I've gotten married.  Having 3 kids in 4 years helped that particular situation.  I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Jack, I was terrified I wouldn't lose the baby weight.  43 pounds and a beautiful baby later, I decided to try Weight Watchers.  I lost 20 of those 43 pounds pretty quickly, actually.  The rest stuck around for pregnancy #2.  26 pounds, my highest weight EVER and another beautiful baby later, I tried, once again, to lose the weight.  Never did I really devote myself to the whole points thing.  It was just too much.  My weight has been a yo-yo for the past couple of years and I still had 15 pounds of 'Emma weight' leftover to become 'Sara weight'.  27 pounds, my NEW highest weight ever and beautiful baby #3 was a bit different.  I lost the baby weight SO quickly.  All of the 'Sara weight' pretty much disappeared within weeks.  How amazing!  So, why is the 'Emma weight' and 'Jack weight' sticking around for so long?

Over the years, I feel like I've tried everything. This 'fad' diet, that 'fad' diet.  I've eaten grapefruits.  I've cut out carbs.  I've not eaten after a certain time.  Shakes, salads, diet pills, been there, done that.  Nothing ever works.

Things have changed now.  They HAVE to.  I'm currently at my lowest weight in about a year an a half, maybe longer.  I'm counting my calories.  I'm exercising.  I'm drinking water like it's my job.  I'm FAR away from my goal, but, shit, I'm ready to shout from the rooftops, "I'M LOSING WEIGHT!!"  I enjoy exercising. Me!  Lisa Marie D'Imperio Budesheim ENJOYS exercising!  Who knew?  I need to expand my exercise repertoire, however.  I've been Zumba-ing to my hearts content, but I need other things to do.  So, I'm doing some research.  Yoga?  Jillian?  I like to dance, so I may just keep along with that sort of workout.

My goal by the summer is 20 pounds.    My goal for the year is 40 pounds.  My overall goal is 60-80 pounds.  There is really no time limit on this.  It may take years, it may not.  It doesn't matter, it just needs to happen.  Right now, I'm on a 'one day at a time' basis, and it's working well.

I'm not sure what the point of writing all of this out was.  Maybe it's so I can look back on it if i'm frustrated.  maybe it's here to remind me of my goals.  Maybe I just need to get it all to process it.  Hopefully I can look back on it 6 months from now, a year from now, 6 years from now, and see how far I've come.

That would be nice...very, very nice.

357 Days later

Last year, Christmas came late for the D'Imperio family.  As I've documented here, my younger brother was diagnosed with Stage 3 Colon Cancer on December 8.  Life as we knew it was changed forever.   Surgery after surgery, complication after complication.  Colostomy bags and chemotherapy became a part of our everyday vernacular.  The Patient was in the hospital for Christmas; the first time I haven't had a Christmas with my brother since I was 4.  As the family gathered for our Christmas gathering, we called him on the phone to give the illusion that he was there, but it certainly wasn't the same.  We did finally get to celebrate with him, a week or so later, but still, knowing what was to come definitely put a damper on the day.

This year, Christmas came early for the D'Imperio family.  After almost a year which included 6 months of chemotherapy, various complications, infections, surgeries and countless antibiotics, The Patient is now The Survivor.  Bloodwork and the 'ill-fated' follow-up colonoscopy have revealed that the cancer is gone.  Our Christmas will be normal once again, we will all be together like it's supposed to be.  The events of last year will just be a memory.

It will be a very Merry Christmas, indeed.

Reflection

This weekend is an emotional one.  Let's start with the good.

6 years ago on September the 10th, I was married.  I was married on a beautiful, sunny, warm day.  Just a few clouds were in the sky that day.  I was married in front of one hundred and fifty friends and family, people who were there for us to witness the beginning of the rest of our lives together.  I truly remember that day in such great detail.  I could tell you what was going on every hour of that day.  The memories are SO vivid!  I often say that day was the best day of my life.  It still is.  I thank all of you reading this, who were there, who supported us, and were there for us on our big day.  Gregory, if you're reading this, which you probably won't unless I tell you to, I just want to say thank you.  Thank you for loving me and everything about me.  Thank you for being my best friend.  Thank you for being a fantastic husband.  You "get me" and that's no small feat!  Thank you for starting a family with me, I can't imagine our life any other way.  Thank you for saying "I do" 6 years ago.  If I had to do it all over again, I would, and I would change nothing.  Come What May, always and forever.  I love you.

Changing gears.

September 11, 2001.  It was a big day for me.  I was starting a new job.  It was a new beginning for me.  I remember walking into my new office, and meeting my new coworkers.  I was getting the rundown of the ins and outs and inner workings of the Social Work department at Saint Peter's University Hospital.  At 8:46am, a coworker came in and announced the grim news, plane #1 had hit.  Not knowing anything of terrorists or attacks on America at that time, we assumed it was a freak accident.  I said a silent prayer for those affected and tried to put it out of my head.  A few minutes go by, another plane, another announcement, another prayer.  This happened a total of 4 times.  I remember a lot about that day.  I remember watching the second tower fall, live on TV.  I remember the phone calls that we received asking if we had information.  I remember the images of people hopelessly jumping out of windows...to this day, that thought gives me chills.  it's just not something you ever forget.  I remember having to watch helplessly while my new coworker worked quickly to clear the hospital for 200 victims.  Victims that never showed up.  Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, and business returned to "normal."  Life turned back to "normal."  But what is normal?  Life will never be the same after that fateful day.  People are harsh and quick to say that it was 10 years ago, that people need to get over it.  GET OVER IT?  Are ya kidding?  How do you get over something like that?  it makes me sad that people can brush off an attack on our freedom like it was nothing.  I will never forget.  It was such a big day.  Such an important day.  Such a sad day.  10 years later, it still hurts.

Tonight, while celebrating my anniversary, I will be taking a dinner cruise that will bring us up close to that beautiful, yet empty and forever changed NYC Skyline.  What an amazingly bittersweet moment that will be.